The Difficult Confession

I finally told my BF about my condition. Yes I do have a long term partner despite my infidelities (which was allowed by him in our not-so-open-relationship). I took me quite sometimes to sit with him and discuss. I've been very cold towards him, refused to have any sexual contact, isolating myself and he wonder what's going home.

Until one day he text me to meet him up at our favourite local diner after work to discuss our future and relationship so to speak.

He asked me, what's going on?? What happened to us?

So, yeah. I told him everything. About my HIV status, about my situation and so on.

He was shocked and he never thought of it. Surprisingly, he still love me dearly. He said he want to go through it with me. He want to look after me and keep my spirit up.

He did a HIV test recently and it was negative. I am relieved with the result. It's like a huge stone has been lift up from my shoulder.

The other person who know my condition was one of my regular bareback fuck buddy and surprisingly he is negative!! I also told about my status to Steve and Chuck. They are like my family, so I don't see any point to hide this from them. Besides, both of the are really supportive.

My family?? I don't think so! Mind you, my family is a non-orthodox-but-quite-religious type. Besides, I don't want them to be worried about me. This is my problem and I will deal it. None of them should be burdened with it.

Initially, I decided to keep my status just for myself.The reason being was I hate to be judge by people. I know most of my friends are not that type of person, but I can help to feel judged by them (or anyone). I judge myself sometimes!

But then again at one point I know that I need to share it with someone or somebody (that I can trust!!). It helps me in a way, rather than to go through this all alone.

One Thing After Another..

It has been a while since my last update. Life is way too messy at the moment with never ending workload and coping with life. Ever since, I've been diagnosed with HIV, there are ups and downs in my life. There were the times I felt full of optimism. Sometimes, I just crumble.

Last weekend I did this 10km run in Clapham Common for charity called Starfish Charity Organization. This charity is to give support and hope to children with HIV in southern Africa. This time I managed to finished in 55 minutes. Much better than my last one in British 10k Run. Well, only one minute but hey it still an improvement.

I met this guy named Greg during the run. He keep looking at me while I'm doing the stretching. Then he came to words me and asking some question. He quite an attractive guy, for me at least. I always have a hot for a mature fit guy with salt and pepper hair. He is fast runner not to mention!! Unfortunately, he didn't ask my number but we did kiss before we left.

Trying to put my disappointment aside, I made an appointment to meet with this mature guy, David after the run. Besides, he live not far from that area.

David at his 50's still looking oh-so-gorgeous. A father of 2, divorced and recently had a granddaughter. Fit guy with salt and pepper hair. This guy really turn me on big time!! He live in a nice house with the nice view of the Thames. This guy can fuck like a porn star. Upside down and all around. He even fuck me at the balcony facing the Thames!! Did I mentioned on the dining table?? LOL.

It was all fun and hot until he called me today to let me know that a guy that he had slept with few weeks back had a chlamydia. Damn it!! He still don't know his status, not until next week and he urged me to do the test. Silly bugger. 

Actually, I had my test last week and waiting for the result at the moment. So, I'm not sure whether I need a re-test or not, which made me to order the test kit from online pharmacy so that I can had a test myself.

I don't know why this series of unfortunate event keep happening to me. Not that I am not being careful. It is all safe sex all the way. I hope I am clean. And I hope David clean too because I can't wait to ride his dick again!!

Cheers!!!

A Week After...

It has been a week now since I found out that I am positive. 

I just came back from an appointment to see one the health advisor at Dean Street Clinic in Soho. So far, everything is good. The viral load is less than 20,000. So, they are not going to start any treatment on me because the viral load considered as low. Apparently the virus is at it dormant phase or inactive. The health advisor said that I am probably had the infection for quite sometime (probably more that a year), which explain why viral load is low.

I am quite please with the result anyway. The fact that I don't need to start the treatment immediately, I was quite relieved anyway. Because, at this point, it is bad enough that I keep saying to myself everytime I woke up every morning that today is another day for me as a HIV positive person, I don't need a pill to keep reminding me that!

I'm off to Munich tomorrow for a holiday. It is actually a holiday at the wrong time and I am not in the mood for holiday anyway due to recent circumstances. But, since I have paid for the flight tickets and everything already, I decided to go anyway. Besides, it is better go off somewhere and do something rather than just laying in bed whole day and doing nothing.

Ok, now...where's my passport??!!!!

The Taboo and People Perception

I finally have one follower. Hip hip hooraaaayyyy!!! Thanks Takashi for being my first ever follower. Well, it is a good start I guess?? I've only been blogging for what?? 4 days??

Anyway, thanks for your comment on my previous post. It is true indeed. To think that how fortunate I am compare to some people who have terminal ill disease like non-Hodgkin lymphoma or other cancer with 50-50 chances to live more than 3 months, I have to consider myself as lucky (well not entirely!) compare to them.

I think what bother me the most is the people perception and acceptance towards HIV positive patient. Most people will go ohhh and ahhhh and oh-poor-you-little-angel if you told them that you are having cancer or congenital disease. But, if you told them that you are HIV positive, they probably will think that you deserve it because you were living an unhealthy life or you did what God forbid you to do and that is your punishment sort of thought.

I am lucky that I am living and working in UK, where people over here are more open and welcoming towards HIV positive than some other part of this world. People over here don't really bother if you are HIV positive. In fact, you can still live normally and do your job as usual without being isolated from people surrounding you.

In some country, it is a taboo to discuss openly about your HIV status. For example, in some part of Africa, if people found out that you are HIV positive, you and your family will probably end up been burned alive by the villagers because they afraid that you might give them the infection but at the same time they fucking around with the sex workers (unprotected) like nobody business. In Malaysia, if people found out that you are HIV positive, you probably will be isolated, been left out from the society and that is it. Your life will be over. No one will hire you to work with them. People will stop talking to you. Why?? Because they afraid that they might get infected!

Oh ya, Happy 54th Independence Day Malaysia!!!

Happy Eid Ul-Fitr

Hi all.

So, it is official now that tomorrow 30th August 2011 is a day for Eid Ul-Fitr. I want to take this opportunity to wish all my Muslim friends, HAPPY EID MUBARAK!!! May this year celebration will bring lots of of happiness and joy.

May God bless us all.

Love,

Sam Jones.

Get Yourself Tested!!

I had my test on 24th August 2011. The day that changed my life forever. The day that I will never forget. Frankly speaking, I never had myself tested before. I have been so stupid with my action. 

I always thought that I am negative. Yes I do. I thought that I am the least person to get infected despite my sexual activeness. Because I hooked up with good and descent people. Not just simply pick them in the bar or club. They were descent people with good career and good background.

But you never know their health status right?? It doesn't means that they are immune from HIV.

And I was being stupid enough to let them enter me unprotected!

At one point, I don't have the gut to take the test. I am afraid that it might be positive. I've been in denial about my health status.

My advice to you guys, if you haven't test yourself yet, you better doing it. It is better to know than not knowing. At least you can start your treatment immediately and live a longer life.

If you are having multiple sex partners, you have to get yourself tested every 3 months.

If you are having sex with only one partner, you have to get yourself tested every 6 months.

Am I scare?? Yes I am. I am trying my best to look on the positive side but right now I didn't see any. How I wish this is just a dream....

New Life, New Beginning..

Hi. My name is Sam Jones (off course it is not my real name). I am 27 years old (going to 28) and I am HIV positive. 

Yeah, still young and yet I am HIV positive. I never thought once in my life that I will be one of the millions people in this world who've been infected with HIV virus.

Well I guess this is the punishment to me from God. I never been a good boy anyway. All I care was a big dick and a good sex, which normally unprotected. Now, I have to pay the price for my ignorance.

It is hard to believe that I am positive. I keep asking myself, WHY ME?? WHY NOW?? Why this is happening to me?? I'm not a bad person. I have a descent job. I paid my taxes. I am a good citizen. I have a good qualification. I have a degree and master for God sake. I'm once dubbed as a genius by my course-mates and my lecturers. I'm just being stupid for letting those guys to fuck me unprotected and it was fucking good!! 

I've got no tears to cry. But, deep down God knows how heartbroken I am.

Will I ever laugh again??